I'm not entirely sure why this is the case but it has been quoted so many time that I guess there must be an element of truth in there somewhere.
As you may have noticed, I have not written for a while. Ashamedly so, as I set myself a goal when embarking on this blog to constantly and consistently document it all; warts and glory.
There are two reasons why I would not be writing:
1. I am way too depressed and bummed out at the lack of work that I cannot bring myself to push the buttons on the keyboard to inscribe how deflated one is;
2. I am so damn busy being a busy ass actress that I have not had time to write.
Luckily for me, my reason has been the latter, but this may possibly soon descent into the former, and I shall explain why.
I have thought about quitting acting a few times. Not seriously, otherwise I would not be the self-proclaimed busy ass actress that I am. My previous reasons in my earlier career were based mainly on fear, inability to cope with rejection, insecurity of the job, lack of money, heavy competition, cut throat industry blah blah blah.
My recent reasons have been different. Having worked respectable projects consistently for a long while, and we're talking almost two years, not days, and been financially sufficient for that time, my contemplation of leaving this job I so love and adore evolved to a new phase. I have been lucky in my career to have worked on some wonderful projects across all mediums, and not just in this country. This is great. Tick. Well done me. Add to this mix, I am also an incredibly sentimental and emotional being. I keep cinema tickets from my childhood, and I am always the one willing to give a failing (and at most times dead beyond belief) relationship another try. Finally, add to this cocktail a dose of longevity: something that is so rare in our industry - long contracts. Plays can take months in rehearsals and performance, film and TV are the same, and if you work in TV serials you can be potentially working at the same place for years.
The concoction of all the above ingredients is what makes me want to quit. Acting is my 'job' but it is more than just that. It is who I am; every place I work, I make it my home, and the people my family. I am not going to look through everything with rose tinted goggles and delude myself that I have loved every single person I have ever worked with. No, I have hated some and some have reduced me to tears on many occasions. But you weather it out, like a professional, if you care about what you are doing enough, and soon enough, these cunts turn into family too, you know, like the horrible drunken aunt that always makes you feel like shit because she is battling her own drinking problem or the ugly stepsister who makes you feel worthless because she is really suffering from her own insecurity issues and you still love them. Once you recognise what is at the heart of why people behave like dicks, it's a lot easier to forgive them and move on. OK, actor-unity-relationship advice over, let me get back to my point.
A job like mine is more akin to a relationship than a job, and here is why. Let's take an example of an actor, an office worker, and a relationship.
As you may have noticed, I have not written for a while. Ashamedly so, as I set myself a goal when embarking on this blog to constantly and consistently document it all; warts and glory.
There are two reasons why I would not be writing:
1. I am way too depressed and bummed out at the lack of work that I cannot bring myself to push the buttons on the keyboard to inscribe how deflated one is;
2. I am so damn busy being a busy ass actress that I have not had time to write.
Luckily for me, my reason has been the latter, but this may possibly soon descent into the former, and I shall explain why.
I have thought about quitting acting a few times. Not seriously, otherwise I would not be the self-proclaimed busy ass actress that I am. My previous reasons in my earlier career were based mainly on fear, inability to cope with rejection, insecurity of the job, lack of money, heavy competition, cut throat industry blah blah blah.
My recent reasons have been different. Having worked respectable projects consistently for a long while, and we're talking almost two years, not days, and been financially sufficient for that time, my contemplation of leaving this job I so love and adore evolved to a new phase. I have been lucky in my career to have worked on some wonderful projects across all mediums, and not just in this country. This is great. Tick. Well done me. Add to this mix, I am also an incredibly sentimental and emotional being. I keep cinema tickets from my childhood, and I am always the one willing to give a failing (and at most times dead beyond belief) relationship another try. Finally, add to this cocktail a dose of longevity: something that is so rare in our industry - long contracts. Plays can take months in rehearsals and performance, film and TV are the same, and if you work in TV serials you can be potentially working at the same place for years.
The concoction of all the above ingredients is what makes me want to quit. Acting is my 'job' but it is more than just that. It is who I am; every place I work, I make it my home, and the people my family. I am not going to look through everything with rose tinted goggles and delude myself that I have loved every single person I have ever worked with. No, I have hated some and some have reduced me to tears on many occasions. But you weather it out, like a professional, if you care about what you are doing enough, and soon enough, these cunts turn into family too, you know, like the horrible drunken aunt that always makes you feel like shit because she is battling her own drinking problem or the ugly stepsister who makes you feel worthless because she is really suffering from her own insecurity issues and you still love them. Once you recognise what is at the heart of why people behave like dicks, it's a lot easier to forgive them and move on. OK, actor-unity-relationship advice over, let me get back to my point.
A job like mine is more akin to a relationship than a job, and here is why. Let's take an example of an actor, an office worker, and a relationship.
RELATIONSHIP You must emotionally invest You will get physically intimate with your partner There are no 'hours' associated with relationships, you will do as little or as much as it needs You have spent your whole life dreaming/fantasising about Mr/Ms Right One does not get paid in relationships. If you do, well, one should head back to the brothel "I want to be with you for the rest of my life, til death do us part" | ACTOR You must emotionally invest You can get physically intimate with colleagues You will put as many hours in as necessary to achieve your best performance You have dreamed your whole life of making 'it' (whatever it is) Remuneration, although desirable and ultimately sought, is not the reason why you got into this job "I want to do this job for the rest of my life" | OFFICE WORKER Do not emotionally invest. Do not let fellow colleagues see emotions as this is a sign of weakness Do not get physically intimate with colleagues (sexual harassment/sleeping with the boss stigma, anyone?) 9 - 5pm and not a minute over, otherwise I'll be on the blower to the Unions You filled out an application online and how you're here 10 years later, how the hell did that happen? COME ON PAY DAY!! "How many years until I'm 65? And I bet the government will bloody raise retirement age anyway, the buggers" |
You see what I mean?
As such, every time I finish a job and have to not only say goodbye to the, by now, familial colleagues including the dysfunctional members without whom wouldn't be the same, bid farewell to the location/country/city/hotel, but most of all, lay a character I love to rest knowing I'll never play her again, a little part of my heart breaks. Just like in relationships. I think every break up leaves a little scar on our hearts, and it's testament to our strength that we heal, and learn how to love again. Although, you know, some people don't, and live a life of solitude after one single heartbreak. And although I have loved and lost and gone on to love many more times, I can absolutely see their standpoint.
People do not deliberately go out to seek break ups. It is the worst kind of emotional stimulation - grief. So I find myself questioning if this is what I want to be doing for the rest of my life, going through professional break ups as well as personal ones. Goodbye is goodbye, grief is grief, the end is the end. Whether you are saying goodbye to a real person or a fictional character whose lives you have had to inhibit everyday and whose eyes you vicariously see the world through day after day, this shit hurts, man. Perhaps as I work more I'll become de-sensitised to that. But then... is that what I really want? To become de-sensitised to life?
Perhaps I should just do myself a Ken Barlow/Ian Beale and be the same character for the rest of my life. In the past I have mocked such actors and questioned their motivation for getting into acting. Surely playing one character forever isn't going to get your creative juices flowing? Well, perhaps, perhaps not, I can't say as I've not done it. But from what I have experienced in my years to date, you are an actor only a small percent of the time. Let's say 30%. So the rest of the 70% of you is a living, breathing and feeling human being. And it's important to realise that this human being needs to not be forced to live a lifestyle that most other people actively shy away from if it doesn't feel right anymore. What we do is very hard. It's hard to not be in work, and it's hard when one is in work. An acting teacher once taught me: "I am a human being first, and an actor second".
Look after your neglected 70%, love it, listen to it and give it what it needs.